Embracing difficult conversations

When my people pleasing and perfectionism tendencies were at a peak, the mere thought of the terms ‘performance review’, ‘constructive feedback’, or ‘opportunity areas’ could send me into a spiral.

During this ‘phase’ (which lasted about two decades) any sort of constructive feedback – even if warranted, delivered gently, and/or truly intended to be helpful and motivating – felt like a personal attack.

In hindsight, I now realize how much that energy must have emanated from me to the people in my life. And how many managers, colleagues, employees or friends may have decided against gifting me with feedback I really needed to hear – be it out of a compassionate fear of offending me or a sense that the risks of doing so outweighed the upside. My fear of rejection and attachment of self-worth to performance denied me so many valuable opportunities for growth.

Thankfully, throughout my career and my life – there have been people along the way who have been brave enough to give it to me anyway – with compassion, respect and positive intention. And each of those difficult conversations – although disheartening initially – brought with it a valuable perspective shift and massive personal growth. Those individuals are locked in my heart and mind forever as pivotal people on my path and inspiring role models for their bravery.

As managers, colleagues, friends, partners – we are usually quite clear on the feedback we want to give someone to help them identify a blind spot, push past a limiting belief or story, or ultimately move further ahead on the path toward reaching their full potential. But we often struggle with HOW to do it. And we can get so consumed by the risks and worst-case scenarios that could result from those conversations that we often decide it’s not worth the associated energy and discomfort. And then, not only have we denied the recipient the opportunity for growth – but also ourselves.

I’m still very much a work in progress on both the giving and receiving sides – and always looking for ways to grow in this area. Have you found ways to embrace difficult conversations – as the recipient and/or the initiator? What possibilities has that created for you or the people in your life?