The cost of chasing approval

There’s a particular feeling that comes with being chosen.

I recently stumbled upon a clip of Amy Poehler and Claire Danes on the Good Hang podcast revisiting the 90s show My So-Called Life. They were talking about the scene where Angela walks away with Jordan Catalano, and how amazing it must have felt for her in that moment to be "chosen".

But Amy also acknowledged something else: the ones watching who weren’t Angela, who felt that familiar sting of not being chosen, and how universal and relatable that feeling was.

I didn’t realize how much that dynamic shaped me.

In school, it manifested as overachievement.

Early in my corporate career, it looked like raising my hand first, chasing top ratings, overworking things endlessly.
It was a constant internal striving – wanting to be selected for the next role, the next promotion, the next opportunity.

On the surface, all of these examples can resemble drive, loyalty, or high standards. But underneath, there's often a belief: if I perform well enough, prepare thoroughly enough, impress consistently enough… maybe I can influence the outcome. Maybe I’ll feel secure.

I think now it tends to show up as mistaking the thrill of being selected for true alignment – whether that’s a competitive agency pitch, a speaking invitation, or an invitation-only community.

I’m starting to recognize that the fear of not being chosen has fueled more of my ambition than I realized.

I haven’t outgrown that pattern yet. But I’m starting to see it more clearly.
I’m motivated to interrupt it.
Before I contort or overcommit, I want to pause and ask: is this something I truly desire… or am I chasing the approval more than the thing itself?
And then choose from that awareness.

I'm realizing the cost of abandoning myself in the process of earning approval, even in subtle ways.

Breaking this pattern feels like the real leadership work for me right now.

Where have you shaped yourself to be chosen, and what has that cost you?